Burn The Guilt

I have always had a close relationship with the feeling of guilt. Guilt makes you feel like you have done something wrong after you have the gut wrenching butterflies. We can drag ourselves into guilt from being insecure about our own decisions, and not being confident in the decision that we make for ourselves. Pulling our own guilt trip barricades our happiness into a corner. Unfortunately, we can't break that wall if we don't allowing ourselves to do what is in the best interest for us. How do we not let a storm of guilt ruin our perfectly sunny day? We seem to always take a backseat in the act of confrontation. We need to be more of a leader than a follower in our own lives. Besides, sometimes its okay to give yourself the upper hand and be assertive.

Recently, I was in a job that always made me feel like I wasn't good enough to do a simple task. For example, I would be counting coins out of the cash register and got penalized because I wasn't fast enough with handing back the cash to the customer. I was always doing something wrong, and my employer made me feel bad after every order. I felt case of undying guilt because the people that know me understand that I am an extremely hard worker. So I didn't know why my boss did not appreciate me. After three days of training, I had an essay exam which gave me even more of a reason to have anxiety. The day of my test I was standing at the cash register while my boss was telling me that I had no confidence. In addition, I was told that my "anxious habits" were distracting to the customers. After he wrecked my self esteem, he gave me a half an hour to study my notes before my exam. This was both a written and verbal exam about how much I knew. It felt like a math test I wasn't allowed to use a calculator on. It was useless.

Having all of this packed on my back like a pack mule, I stood at the register barely holding myself back from tears. My guilt took over while on my way to the restroom and I crashed on the floor into a full blown panic attack. The high amount of stress caused a huge block of self doubt and unhappiness. My boss questioned why I was nervous and I told him about my situation and mental state.  He couldn't of cared less. I recognized after my short conversation with him that this job may not be meant for me. I realized that I was sacrificing my hard work and happiness for something that is causing my more guilt than the paycheck was worth. Furthermore, I failed my tests (partly on purpose) and got involuntarily terminated from my job that night.

I learned through this horrible experience, if you don't say something all your doing is hurting yourself.  I will admit this experience has traumatized me into thinking that I am worthless and lack the confidence that I once had. Everything takes its turn in cycles, and I am stuck in the next step that comes after guilt. I am slowly learning that you have to pick yourself up and keep going, even if it is a uneasy and slow process. You can shove experiences into a cabinet and not deal with them for years on end, but they will come back to haunt you. Guilt comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, we can't escape that part in the process of recovery. Sometimes I can look like I have my shit put together, but on the inside I am crying my lungs out trying to find the easiest way out.

In a readers digest version, there is no easy way out. We have to go through the fire and get burnt on the way for the problem to come to a conclusion. Guilt gets in the way of acceptance, but it is a process that will repeat over and over again until we decide not to let our demons win. Demons only take the weak and destroyed, and you are never fully destroyed as I have experienced many times before.