You Are Not Alone

A few years back I heard about a project called The Semi Colon Project. It caught my attention fast and has played a big part in my mental health advocacy. In honor of this project, I respect my strength every September and put a semi colon on my wrist to show my struggle and how I am still standing and hope others will do the same.

To some people, the month of September is just another month to mark off the calendar. This month is a reminder to myself. September is the Suicide Prevention Month. You might be asking yourself "Why is she blogging about such a touchy subject?" The reason being, I have struggled with the thoughts of suicide too much to let my younger self be shut in hole with no voice. Unfortunately,  I am still working on gaining my true worth back even as an adult. If I've learned anything through my experiences, it has been that you have to fight for your happiness. You are worth every breath you take.

My middle school years were by far the worst years of my life. I was moved two hours away from a place I called home for seven years, I had developed an eating disorder, bullied by myself, stabbed in the back by my classmates, and had severe chronic depression and anxiety. At thirteen, normal thoughts usually consist of "Why won't he text me back?" or "Is this the right lighting for my selfie?" I was different. I was most concerned when I was forced to eat again or if I was going to cry so hard one night that I couldn't wake up. Sometimes I didn't want to wake up. It took so much of my energy to even leave my bed in the morning. I wanted so bad to just slam on the breaks and leave this world behind.  No matter how much I thought about suicide, I never could pull the trigger on my life. The sound of my mom's endless crying, the devastation in my friends' eyes, and the feeling that I was doing this because I was walking in the wrong direction.
         I was in a dark place going into my first year of high school. I was an artist with passion and  trying to ignite a spark in myself again. My brain was getting over some post traumatic stress from my past so I didn't think that being around other people my age would create any happy memories due to me previous experience. For the first time, I was proven wrong. I walked through a different door my first day my freshman year, and something changed. People willingly came up to greet me and wanted to get to know me. I got asked to sit with people at lunch and for the first time in three years I let out a genuine smile. I came to the realization after my first day of my freshman year that I was not the problem in my past situation. I'm glad I never put on the breaks and got off the train. Finally, someone gave me a sign and told me that my story was not over. I believed it.

Not a lot of people may know this about me, but I am a huge geek in the non mathematical way. I collect Pop! figures, flannels, read Batman comics in my spare time, and listen to Classic 80's Rock on the radio with my windows rolled down when I drive (I promise I'm making my point). A few years back, I got introduced to a little sci fi/fantasy show called Supernatural. If you haven't watched the show in the last 15 years it has been on, that is okay, I'll understand. Anyway, one of my favorite actors on the show started an Always Keep Fighting campaign in 2015 for helping people that have mental illnesses, struggle with suicide/self harm, and addiction. This campaign means a lot to me because I have multiple illnesses that get in the way of me being able to live life to the fullest some days. Fortunately, this campaign has taught me that not only can I tell myself to Always Keep Fighting even when times are tough, but I can also help others that are struggling as well. I have become an advocate for mental health awareness since supporting this campaign and try my best to help others that are struggling because I know how it feels.You might save someone's life because you just did a small act to pay it forward. It may not seem like much but random acts can go a long way. I have been on the receiving end, and I can tell you there is nothing more meaningful.

We all have that one thing that we can't leave the house without, mine isn't your typical answers of lipstick or concealer. I wear three bracelets everyday that remind me of my unique impact that make the feeling of everyday situations less scary for me. My first one (in no particular order) is my "Sorry, I'm Awkward" bracelet. This connects me to people that are just like me. Awkward. #NerdsUnite. My second one is my Stop The Hate bracelet. I wear to tell the people around me that I am against bullying and I will accept them as they are no matter gender, race, religion, etc. My final one is my Always Keep Fighting bracelet, which to me is the most special one. It is a free souvenir from the Supernatural convention I went to in Chicago in 2018. The bracelet glows in the dark and reminds me that even in my darkest times I need to Always Keep Fighting. I have been in dark places and have needed a reminder that even in the darkest times there is hope, that bracelet echoes in my head each and everyday.

So why am I sharing all of this? It is not for sympathy or a cry for help. I decided to share all of this because I believe that being happy is that you have to go through a lot of pain to truly appreciate what you have been given. I have gotten many opportunities because I fought for what I believed in, and saw myself as a person who can help others and show my talents.  I have the strength to keep move forward even if I have to take a few steps back to get there. I am not a person that gives up easily, and anyone who knows me well can tell you that. I have found out through my own trial and errors that I still have a lot of story to write and that this is just the beginning of my living storybook. If you need help, contact the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). You are not alone. #AlwaysKeepFighting


"The semi colon is used when an author could've ended their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you, and the sentence is your life."- Anonymous