Anxious Impressions

Happiness Definition: The quality or state of being happy

Society has a very black and white perspective of the world. There is no room for grey areas and change is looked at as rebellious behavior. Being happy does not necessarily define being all smiles for the people around you. Some days smiling makes the voice inside us overwhelmed with a forceful feeling that we have to put on a persona that isn't genuine. We can be happy internally without having to show it externally.

My life has been filled with people that have told me being happy comes with a smile, when in reality, it doesn't come that way. Happiness is not a built in switch that you can turn on and off like a light. As of 2018, 40,000,000 people had experienced an anxiety episode in a 12 month span. 28.8 percent of those people will likely be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. We as humans aren't equipped with serotonin in our veins. It is created by situations that we analyze with a heavy heart. Certain people have an urge to please others, but when the person does not get a reward in return, that brings feelings of self doubt. Self doubt can be received as the person needs to try harder to reach that goal of satisfying others. This method of putting others before you or over analyzing can create the feeling of a barricading obstacle, anxiety.

 I have dealt with anxiety since I was in the third grade. When you're in the third grade, you think that feeling sick is a normal thing that your body will eventually get over. I got sick a lot because of my underlying anxiety. My teacher, Mrs. Olson, expected a lot out of my work. I went out of my way to impress her. I traveled to school and did more work than what I wanted to, in fear that I would be a disappointment to her. I had an impression of anxiety connected with everything. My sickness didn't agree with my choices so it challenged my relationships with others, new activities, and my school work. I got through it thinking I was just battling a long case of food poisoning. Later that year, I had a sit down conversation with my teacher. She explained to me that I am more capable than I was giving myself credit for. I started to wonder if my anxiety was getting in the way of me putting my best foot forward and showing myself what I am truly able to achieve. Eventually, my problems calmed down, but not to say that this experience was the last I was going to hear from my anxious mindset.

I have been met with a fair amount of obstacles in my short life, but that does not contradict the events that have made me happy. I have done many things that have brought me a great deal of pride, but  to get there I eventually had to realize I didn't have to sacrifice my own emotions to please others. Unfortunately, it runs in my bloodline to not make mistakes, but I have taken after my mother in the way that I don't want to do wrong. I admit that I still have a fear of being looked down upon. I learned over the years that if you don't make mistakes, how are you suppose to improve what you are trying to craft? All you are teaching yourself from not making mistakes, is that an anxious feeling is triggered from every move you make, good or bad.

 I have been robbed of happiness before because I have over analyzed a situation too harshly. Furthermore, my anxiety comes from a feeling of self doubt, insecurity, and failure to live up to what I stand for. On the other hand, I have had to learn through years of dealing with that voice in my head, that we are all humans, and we can only do what we think is genuine and not to overthink every thought as a harsh impression.